Sweet Split-xteen
Remembering the golden days when I attended some acquaintance’s Sweet 16 party nearly every weekend generally makes me cringe, yet, this one specific memory will never go away, so I might as well share it with you…
My friend Christie was a having a Sweet 16 Party in the luxurious Holiday Inn. My 2 friends and I got a ride from a parent (cool!) and were fully equipped with Snapple bottles filled with booze (even cooler!). We waltzed in with our platform shoes, pin straight hair and ridiculous manicures with our heads held high. We were about to own this dance floor. I glanced over at the DJ who would sooner kill himself than be surrounded by boozey 16 year olds with too much false self confidence.
Within minutes, we were all dancing to the hottest tunes of the time (2004). One popular jam included “Get Low”. I was dancing with Tyler (total hunk!) and accidentally got a bit too low and that’s when I heard it. Everyone heard it, even above the music. It was a giant, steroid of a rip straight from the top of my ass to the very bottom of my black pants. Tyler walked away laughing and my friends huddled me in the corner while I figured out my next move.
I put my jacket over my bottom and ran out into the lobby to gain my composure (a.k.a. cry). I called my mother balling telling her what happened. “What do you want me to do?” she asked. And after a deep breath, I said, “Bring me new pants.”
So God bless my mother for driving 20 minutes to bring me a new pair of black pants so me and my platforms can get back on the dance floor and show all those people (who I don’t even talk to anymore) that Ashley Zazz is a force to be reckoned with.
Special thanks to the DJ for also laughing at me. Screw you, buddy.
